It has been awhile since I have written, partly because I often find it challenging to come up with content and partly because I suffered an immense loss.
My Nana passed away on 13 August 2020. She was my paternal grandmother and a very important part of my life. While my father was not mentally or physically equipped to nurture me, she stepped in and helped both my parents. Since both of my parents were teens when they had me, this help from Nana allowed me to grow into what I believe is an amazing and strong woman.
My Nana was 98 years and 7 months old when she parted this earth. And even though we experienced her for so long, saying good-bye still wasn’t easy. And it seems the grieving process began before her death.
Days before my grandmother’s death, I began to experience this pounding gut and spontaneous anxiety that I could not explain. You see, I have experienced mild bursts of anxiety and normally I am able to attribute it to an event that I learn about at a later time. But this time, I was concerned. This gut feeling and anxiety felt different. After I got the call about my grandmother, I thought both of these feelings were associated with her passing. As well, until this past Sunday, I had had a migraine headache for 22 days straight. No worries, I thought, I am prone to migraines although I hadn’t had one in months, so I attributed them to my grief and my plans of traveling back east for the service.
However, something else was happening. I am a praying person. I pray often. So, it wasn’t unusual for me to continue this pattern of prayer after my grandmother passed. Mostly, I asked for forgiveness for not seeing her more often and not being able to be with her in her last days. But my prayers also included comfort, strength and peace as I planned to travel back east to celebrate her life at her memorial services and prepared to see family of which I hadn’t seen in years.
I feel like a love crazed teenager unequipped to handle the emotion of a breakup or rejection.”
But something else was happening. This last year I have made some personal revelations. And while I will share a little, you likely won’t get the full understanding of these specific revelations until or if, I decide to bare it all. Therefore, I ask for your understanding on my vagueness as I protect me heart. These revelations were in both my personal and professional life. These revelations certainly helped me step up professionally. But these revelations also helped me be honest and open up about some things in my personal life.
But something else was happening. These personal revelations caused me to take a serious evaluation of my emotions. And in recognizing and owning these specific emotions, I began to accept a certain unthinkable reality. While it was a provoking and eye-opening journey, I was OK right here, just owning and accepting.
But something else was happening. This anxiety and pounding gut were still present. But then stronger emotions surfaced, along with occasional tears (what I attributed to my grief), and I began to open up about these revelation emotions and talk about them. Well I only shared these feelings with two of my closest friends; one friend I consider family. But I was done. At least, I thought.
But something else was happening. I now felt moved to confront these emotions. Now, I have matured into a person that is not shy when it comes to expressing or speaking up for myself. While I prefer to avoid confrontation, I will still approach an event or situation with the goal of reaching an amicable resolution. With a resolution in mind, I will evaluate all possible outcomes, including objections, and prepare proper responses. I mean, I do have significant experience as a claim adjuster and real estate agent-I am a negotiator. But this time I was concerned-NO, I was afraid. But without an awareness of second thought, I went into preparation and problem-solving mode. I was ready to confront these emotions and prepared for the outcome. And at no time did I hesitate.
But something else was happening. After returning Sunday, I have become a ball of emotions. I feel like a love crazed teenager unequipped to handle the emotion of a breakup or rejection. I never predicted this, why should I? How could I have expected to feel this way? For one, I am always in control. Hell, I even started my-I want to share my emotions-speech in that exact way. I predicted every possible outcome and was prepared to respond accordingly, so what happened?
My daughter and I were talking today-just checking up on each other. She noticed I wasn’t feeling myself so she asked specifically how I was doing. I responded that I am dealing with something, not serious or major, but that I didn’t want to talk about it. And I wasn’t ready to talk about it. (I don’t know what the f—- is happening) She began to share how she was told that September would bring on a major shift. She didn’t elaborate, but after I began writing I wished I had asked her to do so especially since September is my birthday month. I also remembered that something or someone is in retrograde. Therefore, I did some research…
September brings with it a positive new attitude — starting with the wee hours of September 2, when the Moon waxes full in sensitive Pisces, filling us with a sense of optimism. This Full Moon is supported by a sextile with innovation-leading Uranus in retrograde, revealing new solutions to old problems.
On September 5, messenger Mercury makes his way into social Libra, opening our hearts to new and old connections. We’ll naturally be able to see both sides of an argument, and we’ll work well with others. Charming Venus enters into passionate Leo on September 6, creating a romantic atmosphere. This is an excellent transit for flirting, making grand gestures, and making our loved ones feel extra special.
On September 9, warrior Mars stations retrograde in Aries. When the red planet moves in reverse, he encourages us to slow down and think less about making changes; instead, we become introspective. This is a good transit to practice patience, or to heal any inner wounds we’ve been grappling with. We’ll be ready to begin forging ahead again when Mars stations direct in Aries on November 13.
Starting September 12, Jupiter will station direct again in Capricorn, after being retrograde since May 14. We learned to become flexible and change our thinking as the planet of luck and abundance has moved in reverse, and now we’ll have a chance to strengthen our newly found habits.
On September 22, the Sun moves to celebrate Libra’s sign. This period encourages diplomacy; we’ll find it easier to create harmony, and we may feel pulled to experiment with our style a little too. Witty Mercury makes his way into strategic Scorpio on September 27. During this transit, we’ll have to be mindful of our focus — we run the risk of getting too bogged down in the details.
We’ll end the month on a happy and healthy note: Responsible Saturn, our planetary rule maker stations direct in practical Capricorn on September 29, helping us to solidify all those beneficial new habits that we created for ourselves when the ringed planet started moving in reverse, back on May 11.
Well, I don’t know if any of this has to do with my grief or my emotions, but how I feel today was not how I thought I would feel after I put on my big girl panties and confronted those emotions. It sucks! And I am not handling it like I thought. While I know stepping out of my comfort zone is all a part of growth and yes, being fearless is commendable, but rejection is painful.
Yes, it’s true, I have comfort in knowing I fulfilled the divine…I answered the call of the retrograde…I moved at the possible nudging of my Nana, and it didn’t work out at all like I had planned. As a result, I am done with all these revelations and emotions. I am returning them to my back pack, stuffed way in the back of the cedar closet down in the basement. I am freakin tired of making lemonade with all these stupid lemons I keep receiving. It’s time to change the drink—-I choose bourbon. And maybe I will add a squeeze of lemon in my drink and maybe I won’t! In the meantime, it is all about me and all on my terms, ALL OR NOTHING!
Be You, Love You, Forgive You! Love and light to you all.